The final example comes from my somewhat recent past. Hopefully you could tell from my previous post none of the previously mentioned relationships were ones in which I could say I was in love. With this one it is safe to say I was/am. Thus was I exposed to not only the female fallacy but the male as well. If the female mistake is to create a fantasy and try stuff their man into it until the cry uncle the male is to try and fit that shape as best as possible. Let me explain. It all started well and everyone was honest with each other, except for a few things which I should have either talked about before moving further in or stopped right then.
If you are not a jealous person then you should not be in relationship with someone who is. Do not take their word for it, find out for yourself. This one conflict is the stem of all the problems I tried to overcome and failed. From the beginning I made the mistake of telling her that she was the only one I was dating. This was interpreted to mean "You are the only one I want to date." I'm a smart person, I realized the mistake early on but I did nothing to correct it. Instead I was bullheaded and thought she should come around to my understanding since I never said what she thought to begin with. You can see where this is going. Within the first 3 months (standard dating threshold) I spent time with five other women. In my life that does not mean a date and definitely not sex, but just going out having fun. Of those five there was only one date, one make out session, and a kiss. My final decision, afterwards, was to become serious with she I had met first. Now I told her about every single one but the catch is she thought we had been exclusive the whole time and she never really forgave me, mainly because I had not volunteered the information.
A little thing about me. I will tell almost anybody anything about me as long as they ask. How does that work? Do on to others as they would onto you. I don't want to hear about your life unless I ask so don't expect me to change to fit your world. It's that kind of stubbornness I should have stuck to and everything would have ended better. So where is the problem? If she knew about those five then I should be free and clear. Nope, the reaction I got was anger, wanting to do violence, acceptance, and an overall since of jealousy. One of them I didn't care about but I lost 2 friends because even their mention made her mad and bitter words to be projected at me. Wait! There's the trap. I lost two friends because I cared more for keeping her happy then keeping US happy and that is the male fallacy.
Thus began a pattern of meeting females for purposes of friendship and not telling my gf about them. Hindsight tells me that looks like I'm cheating on her. It doesn't matter what the truth is, especially for someone who does not trust anyone. There's plenty of blame to go around and most of it involving me not listening to reason behind these posts. Love means being yourself and getting loved in return. There are no sacrifices expected nor expectations to be maintained. If someone has a tendency to talk to other people, like I do, then you you except it or find out why.
Talking about sacrifices here is a BIG example. When you move 500 miles to be with someone then you try to make a life and not tell your other one every week how much you gave up for leaving home to be with them. I received constant reminders about this, and I do understand she gave up a lot, but I already moved away from home and gave up everything several times. One could argue that this was more a problem for us then the above but it's not something I can understand. What I didn't tell her was I was wiling to move but only once she had accepted it didn't matter where because as long as we were together we would be happy. Why didn't I tell her that from the beginning? That would be a cheap lesson now wouldn't it? Instead all I ever heard was how much happier and better her life had been when she was living at home. At least here I stuck to my beliefs.
Where else did I fail? It's not fair to blame others and I hate doing it. SO lets talk about me. In the end love for me is something undefinable. It is given without condition or expectations with infinite forgiveness. The word I use to best portray this is unconditional love. That's where I fell on my face and everything went from bad to dead. For some reason I don't understand I started to believe that there should be complete and utter trust (true) but that trust should include that your lover understand you and trust you because of that understanding. That is bullshit. It is impossible to understand a person enough to trust them. Love is taking a leap of faith that although you do not know this person beyond a shadow of a doubt you will love them and not expect it in return. Me in my infinite stupidity decide to test this in a way I had already been warned she would do to me.
We had broken up. After almost two years together I decided to try my test for a third time. The test was to take some old emails and modify them just enough to give suspicions but never outright say anything wrong. The first two times I did this nothing happened but all of a sudden she decides to check my purposely left open laptop and find the emails. Did the shit hit the fan! Note readers that I have never cheated on any girlfriend who was exclusive with. These emails did imply a tight relationship with other girls then was usual. The truth is the conversations I had with them was the same I had with several other guys, but because they were women that meant I was cheating to her. Where the male fallacy stepped in was that I did not immediately confess but instead thought that since she loved me she would forgive me and I could tell her then. Of course I had not considered the female fallacy of fantasy.
In the end I completely lost what I had and now I have a new conviction to be me no matter what. There will be a person out there who understands the old meaning of love and not expect me to satisfy some new meaning created by modern media and hollywood. Well, at least I hope that is true.
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Monday, October 15, 2007
Love Doesn't Mean What It Use To (part the 2nd)
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Love Doesn't Mean What It Use To (part the 1st)
Today the meaning of love has been twisted to the point where it simply doesn't have any close to the same meaning. If we take a look at Webster it gives us:
love (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
Wow, that's a far cry from what I was raised to believe. What ever happened to the love that transcends all obstacles or love that conquers all to reunite two people? We don't even have love at first sight any more. Why is it that love is taken so carelessly in today's day and age? One insight that might explain it has been to tie it to the rise in technology. The basic premise is we have advanced so far with communication that although it is mush easier to be in touch with more people but the quality of that contact has degraded by telephones, radio, TV, and the internet. We see and hear more people but for a lot less time. This has some truth to it but seems to give only a partial answer. Still another reason has been the rise of great cities and has almost the same answer as before. Living in cities we come in contact and befriend hundreds of people instead maybe like back in the day.
In the end both these reason and all the others seem to be blaming the problem on something else, as most people do. The reason that has occurred to me is something more basic. People are no longer provided good examples on how to grow up. Parents are neglecting their responsibility of telling stories to their children about the prince who rescues the princes from the dragon. We've become to hung up on the characters in the story because it is chauvinistic to believe the princes needs help from the prince in the first place. It's damn DRAGON everybody, of course she needs help. Change the story to the princes is waging an decade old battle with the dragon and the prince comes as re-enforcements, but keep telling your children these stories.
Why is is so important to provide these moral stories to our children? Because otherwise they grow up believing that they know better. Men think the lying, cheating, possession thoughts that occurred to them in puberty are how the rest of the world operates. Women grow up thinking all they have to do is meet mister wrong and their motherly affection will turn these Oedipus children into proper husbands. The fantasy is nothing but that. In the past ten years I have had five women tell me they love me while I have loved two myself. One of those I have loved did not return the love and married someone else. This in no way diminished my love for her. Why?!? you may ask yourself. The answer is easy.
Love for me is something that can not be lost. It does not degrade and can not be betrayed. My first love knew of my affection, stayed my friend, was very polite about telling me was getting married and even invited me to the reception. In the end it was enough for me to know that she was happy and that is what love means. You are willing to sacrifice everything even if in the end there will be no return. This concept is beyond the conception of the modern human. They are simply incapable of believing in self sacrifice, much less following through.
Take the five women who have told me they loved me. The first one stopped being with me because I did not have the same level of affection for her as she did for me. Bullshit. The second would not be with me because she believed her boyfriend loved her, even though she did not love him. The whole time she was saying she loved me but would not drop her abusive boyfriend unless I agreed to be with only her. Bullshit. The third is barely worth mentioning except she believed in love at first site. The problem being I do not. She is the only one who came the closest in my mind to understanding love. The problem is she seemed a bit unstable, but that is probably my reaction to how strong she pursued me.
The fourth was my first girlfriend and the first clue I had to the fantasy. We dated for six months in what had been some of the happiest times of my life. How did everything change? Slowly she started doing things to try and change me. Bringing me to meet her parents, but instead of just saying hello she would tell me what she liked about them and didn't like. The same started about her friends and mine. Then she started bringing up living together, for the next five to ten years. We had not even talked about marriage or children yet. I'll be the first to admit I could have been afraid to commit but the signs were there when we broke up. Over night she hated me and told me she had to stop herself from burning down my place and killing my cat. I am not making this up.
This post will be continued...
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